Oshkosh Pink
Constructive critizism on this poem please?
I feel like there’s something off about it, but I can’t quite place it. I think it might be the ending (my biggest obstacle is that I have a hard time creating strong endings). Please tell me what I can improve upon, and what you think should stay.
Thanks.
Setting The Standard
I’m setting the standard, Dad,
And there is no curve.
Your life is no longer a too-late
Term paper that you can give up over.
Your life is a young woman,
With the memory of a little
Still in her pink Oshkosh overalls,
Screaming for her hero to come back.
Your life is no longer a class
Where an A can be negotiated.
Your work is long past due,
And you can’t turn it in late.
I can’t be erased off your transcript,
And this isn’t a class you can take over.
I’m actually talking about my father walking out on me. But I’m glad that you said that you thought it was about sickness – that let me know that I need to be more concrete. Thanks!
I think you need to make the last line shorter so that it has rhythm and don’t repeat it because you already talked about a class in the last part. Other than that, nice job! =)
“The Pink Floyd Polka (Comfortably Numb)” performed by Copper Box in May 2009
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